tell me somethings last (and that somethings don't)
by RavenWriter96
Summary: Jay is spiraling, and the people who love him watch it happen helplessly.(Post 5x07)
1. War

**Chpter 1: War**

* * *

 _Here stands a man_

 _at the bottom of a hole he's made_

 _Still sweating from the rush_

 _His body tense_

 _His hands they shake_

 _-War by SYML_

Arriving early at the district wasn't something Antonio was used to doing. He liked to be on time, sure, maybe a few minutes early. But today was different. The house felt too empty, his thoughts too loud, and he just needed to get out, to do something. So he got into his car and went to the district.

It wasn't really all that different in terms of quietness, since he was still alone, but he did have some paperwork to finish, which was as good a distraction as any.

He took a sip of his coffee as he waited for his computer to start up, mentally sorting through the things he needed to get done.

A strangled scream shattered the silence and Antonio's hand automatically reached for his hip, where his gun would be if it wasn't eight in the freaking morning in the supposedly empty work area. The coffee spilled when he hastily put it

on the desk, burning his hand and staining a case report he'd wanted to review.

Another scream, this one louder, sounded from the break room, and Antonio wasted no time in heading in that direction.

He froze in the doorway, shocked. Jay was sleeping on the couch, curled up, rocking back and forth, mumbling incoherently.

Antonio cautiously stepped into the room, hesitantly calling out Jay's name.

"Jay," he called out again, this time louder, more sure.

Jay stirred, but didn't wake up, and Antonio blew out a frustrated breath. He stepped closer, a few inches away from the couch, and reached out a hand to shake Jay awake.

When Jay woke up, he woke up swinging. And man, the guy had a mean right hook.

Antonio bent down, his arm wrapped around his abdomen as he tried to take a deep breath, only managing a gasp that ended in a wheez.

"I'm sorry, man. I'm sorry. Jesus, Antonio, what are you doing here so early?"

"Could ask you the same question, Jay," Antonio said, slightly breathless.

"Just taking a nap." Jay said it casually, but Antonio could see that it was a lie.

He raised an eyebrow. "That was some nap, Jay."

Jay rolled his eyes and turned to leave. "Sorry I hit you, man."

"Jay, stop."

"What?!" Jay exclaimed, eyes angry and shoulders tight.

Antonio and Jay stared at each other for a few seconds before Jay sighed, ran hand through his short hair, and sighed. He opened his mouth, as if to say something, then shut it with an audible click.

"Everything okay, Jay?"

He knew, even as he asked the question, that he wouldn't get an answer. Jay was probably the most private person Antonio knew, and he kept far too much close to the vest. He wouldn't just come out and say whatever it was that was bothering him.

Jay startled, but recoverd quickly. "I'm fine, Antonio." His attempt at a smile was truly pathetic, but Antonio decided to cut him some slack and nodded with a small smile of his own.

"I'm gonna go get some coffee. You want anything?"

Antonio wordlessly shook his head in answer. Jay turned to leave, but before he reached the door, Antonio called his name.

Jay turned toward him and Antonio took in the tired eyes and the dark bags under them, the almost defeated slump of his shoulders. "Yeah?"

"You know you can talk to me, right?"

Jay's smile, though small, was real this time, and it reached his eyes. "I know, buddy."

And though Jay didn't say it outright, Antonio heard the "but I won't" loud and clear.

As Antonio watched Jay drag his feet through the bullpen, and then down the stairs, out of his sight, he vowed to at least try to keep a close eye on Jay. And he prayed that Jay would be able to pull himself through. Because Jay won't accept help from any member of the team, and the one person who could've helped him, the person who came closest to getting him to open up all the way, wasn't there anymore.

* * *

 _ **Hey CPD fandom! This is my first time publishing a fic here, and I hope you like what I've written. It'll be eventual Linstead, but it's a mostly Jay-Centric Post 5x07 fic...**_

 ** _Please Read and Review, but mostly, just Enjoy this fic!_**

 ** _U_** ** _pdates will most likely be weekly, unless, by some miracle, a lot of people like it and demand more, LOL._**

 ** _Also, I'm on tumblr, linstead-jay, so come say hi anytime!_**

 ** _3_**


	2. Empty

**Chapter 2: Empty**

* * *

 _I felt you escape into empty space_

 _Where my heart can't feel_

 _Down in that darkness_

 _You met all the things you feared_

 _-Stomach it by Crywolf ft. Eden_

Haley was pissed off. A few days ago, she was concerned, but now she was truly angry. Jay wasn't answering her calls. He barely talked to her, and when he did, it was about the case. She knew she was new to the team. She understood not wanting to talk to a practical stranger, even if that stranger was someone you trusted with your life. She got it, she did. But it still hurt.

He was spiraling, she could tell, and all he allowed her to do was to stand there and watch. And the thing was, she sometimes got the feeling that the reason he doesn't talk about things wasn't because he didn't want to, it's because he honestly couldn't. But still, it grated on her.

The thing is, she wanted to trust him. She wanted a partnership with him because he was one of the best cops on the force. He was calm and collected and, frankly, easy on the eyes. She was well aware that he was taken, even if Lindsey wasn't there anymore, probably never will be again. Jay struck her as a one woman kind of guy, and she liked it. She liked being able to admire his blue eyes and his muscular body and his kind smiles without it having to mean, or lead to, anything. She just wanted to be a friend, but Haley wasn't sure he would be considering her one anytime soon. Not after what happened with the undercover case.

She knew what she said was right, that she didn't cross any lines, but doubts always crept in her mind, especially when he walked around like she didn't exist.

For a brief moment, she wondered what Erin would have done, but she quickly dismissed the thought. She wasn't Erin. She never would be. She's Haley Upton, and she'd have to be enough.

Haley took a deep breath and dialed his number again. Maybe the 9th time's the charm.

Turned out, it was.

"Hello?" His voice was hoarse, like he'd just woken up.

"Hey, Jay. Did I wake you?"

"'course not, it's like 6 pm," his tone was almost teasing, and she barely suppressed a sigh of relief.

Then she checked the time, and the relief was replaced by concern. "Jay, it's 10 pm."

"Oh."

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine."

There was an awkward silence, which she broke after a few seconds by asking him to meet her at Molly's.

"Haley, I can't-"

She cut him off. "Jay, please, just go to Molly's. Let's have a drink, talk."

"I don't want to talk, Haley. I just want to sleep." He sounded exhausted. The bone-deep exhaustion that dragged you down.

"Will you, though?" Her question was direct, but she made sure to keep her tone gentle.

The silence she was met with was telling. "Meet me there?"

He sighed. "Alright, I'll be there in a few."

"I'll see you there."

* * *

He looked worse than he did yesterday. He was practically dragging his feet, his hair was unkempt and his eyes shadowed. He looked haunted, and that scared her to the bones.

"Hey."

He sat down opposite her and looked down at the beer she ordered for him. Strangely, he didn't drink from it, actually pushed it away. "Hi, Haley."

"How are you doing?"

Jay rolled his eyes. "I'm getting really tired of people asking me that."

She tried to keep her tone even, not to let his attitude aggravate her. "You've looked in the mirror lately, right? Can you blame us?"

"If this is why you asked me to come here, then I'm leaving."

He made a move to get up, but she put a hand on his arm. "Sit down, Jay. I'm not done."

He sat down, looking as miserable as she felt. Maybe she shouldn't push him anymore. Maybe she should stay out of his business.

"Well?"

His annoyance was clear, but she brushed it off.

"Jay, What happened with Louise-"

"I don't want to talk about it, Haley." The words were measured, controlled and she knew he was getting angry. She didn't let it stop her. "Well, that's too bad, Jay, because we will."

He clenched his jaw, stayed silent.

"I need to know you're 100%,Jay. You're my partner and I need to know that you'll have my back." The words hurt, she could tell. And though some part of her knew they were true, she'd said them mostly to get a reaction out of him, to get him talking.

"Of course I have your back, you know that. You have to know that, Haley." He sounded almost desperate. And though she should have stopped there, she didn't.

"Do I, Jay? Cause a few days ago, you pulled a gun on me."

He reeled back as if she'd slapped him. His eyes widened and his mouth fell open. In that moment, she wanted to take it back, wanted to erase the hurt she'd caused him. But she steeled her resolve. It was a necessary evil.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. "God, I'm so sorry, Haley. I don't know how that happened."

"Yes, you do, Jay. You know exactly how and why that happened." He didn't react to her words, just lowered his eyes to his hands, one of which was holding the beer bottle still as the other ripped the label. "I can't imagine what you've been through, but there are people who can, Jay. There are support grou-"

"I tried that, couldn't take it anymore."

"Take what?"

"Their pain. And the fact that some of them had been in support groups for years and they still struggle with nightmares and depression and PTSD." His eyes, red and watery, stared into hers. "I just couldn't take it," he repeated.

"Jay, it's always goona be there. It's never going away."

He laughed, sounding almost mocking. "You think I don't know that? I've been living with this for over ten years, Haley. I know it doesn't go away, but it's not getting any better, either."

He stood up. "I know you're trying to help, but you're not. "

And with that, he walked away. She closed her eyes, breathed in, and left too.

She'd back off, mainly because Jay was like an elastic that's been stretched too thin, and if she pushed more, he would snap. She'd keep an eye on him, though. Because no matter what, he was her partner, and partners looked out for each other.

* * *

 **Sooo, This Chapter is about three? four? Days early, lol.**

 **Hope you liked this one! I love this dynamic and I really hope we see more of their friendship!**

 **A big Thank you to Brenda Burn, Mariedonovan and the Guest for their reviews! Also, Thank you to everyone who added my story to their Follow/ Favorite Lists! I hope you all continue to enjoy this!**


	3. Echos

_Sometimes when I close my eyes_

 _I pretend I'm alright_

 _But it's never enough_

 _-Echo by Jason Walker_

"Kim, you go with Halstead, keep tabs on Davis. Upton, Antonio, talk to Abby's mother again, ask her if she knew about the boyfriend."

Kim nodded, though she wondered why Haley wasn't paired up with Jay. She looked to Haley and noticed her slumped shoulders and the unhappy, downward curl of her mouth. Kim caught her eye and smiled brightly at her. Haley smiled back, her back straightened and she nodded at her. She watched Haley and Antonio leave and resolved to make plans for a girl's night.

"Kim!"

"I'm going, sarge," she hurried in the direction of the locker room, where she'd seen Jay headed almost thirty minutes ago. She entered the locker room, but it was empty, so she went in further, into the bathroom and was surprised to see him sitting on the floor beside the sink. He was looking at his shaking hands with a faraway look. He was pale, his skin ashen and obviously clammy

She stood in the doorway for a minute, a full minute, and he didn't notice her.

"Jay," she calls out softly. He startled as if she'd shouted the out the word.

"Hey, Kim. What's going on?"

"I'm your partner for the day. We'll have to talk to Davis."

He nodded, though she noticed his darkened expression. "Everything okay with Haley?"

"Yes."

"Everything okay with you?"

He scrubbed a hand over his face, a little too aggressively and didn't answer, pushing himself off the floor. "Let's go," he said curtly.

"Jay-"

"I said let's go, Kim!" He didn't exactly shout, but he did raise his voice, and that surprised her. It must have shown on her face, because his expression turned from angry to apologetic, and his eyes softened. "I'm sorry, Kim. I just don't want to talk. About anything."

"Fine," she allowed. "But this isn't over, Jay."

"We have a case, Kim," he reminded her.

"It can wait a few minutes," she snapped at him. "Now, you better listen to me. I know you're hurting right now and I am so sorry for everything bad that has happened to you, I really am."

He was rigid, expecting her to go off on him, maybe. "But?"

"But, it's affecting your work. You're distracted a lot, your temper is starting to rival Voight's and you look like you haven't slept in days," she made sure to keep her tone firm, but somewhat gentle.

"I haven't."

She gapes at him, surprised that he'd shared even that little piece of himself. And from the look on his face, he seemed surprised, too. Kim saw it as an opening.

"Let us help you. Please."

He hesitated for about thirty seconds and in that short time, she saw a world of hurt behind his eyes.

But then a wall came up and he straightened up. Her heart ached for him.

"We have a case, Kim." And then he walked away.

* * *

Thank you Mariedonovan, LittleMissBookwormBrainiac, Madisoncunningham1 and the 4 guests for your kind reviews!

I hope you all enjoyed this one.


	4. Unsteady

_Hold_

 _Hold on_

 _Hold on to me_

' _Cause I'm a little unsteady_

 _A little unsteady_

- _Unsteady by X Ambassadors_

* * *

"Hey, Sarge, you wanted to see me?"

Voight glanced up from the case file he was reading, and gestured for Antonio to close the door.

Antonio did, looking confused and a little bit worried. "Halstead. Have you heard from him?"

Antonio frowned. "No, I haven't. Why? What's going on?"

"He's late. He's not picking up his phone."

Antonio looked thoughtful. "Maybe he slept in."

"Doesn't explain why he couldn't pick up the phone. Not to mention the fact that he's been practically living here."

Antonio looked surprised, and Hank just raised an eyebrow. "Yeah, I know about that. I know about a lot of things that go on in here."

Antonio huffed. "Was that a dig about the Woods-"

"That's not why you're here, Antonio. Do you know where Halstead is?"

"No. I would've told you already if I did." Hank nodded in acknowledgement, but said nothing. His mind was going a mile a minute. It wasn't like Jay to to be late to work, let alone not show up at all.

"You're worried about him," Antonio said. It was more of a statement than a question. "You think something's wrong."

Hank clenched his jaw, then nodded. "Yeah, I do."

"I'll track him down, Sarge."

"Discreetly. I don't want any attention drawn to this."

"You got it."

Hank leaned back in his chair, stared out the door at Jay's empty chair. He hoped to god the kid was okay, because honestly, the team cannot take anymore losses. He couldn't take anymore losses.

* * *

"Sarge, I found him."

"Where is he?"

"North Avenue bridge."

Hank stood up so fast, his chair hit the wall. "What's he doing there?" He asked gruffly, struggling to keep his voice from showing any hint of the fear he was feeling.

"Hey, it's not what you think," exclaimed Antonio, holding his hands up in a placating manner. "He stopped a man from jumping."

Hank released a relieved breath, eying the expression on the younger detective's face. "If he's alright, then what's that look for?"

"He's a bit banged up. I talked to the officer on the scene, she told me that the man went off on Jay for saving him, that she and her partner had to pry the guy off of Jay. It sounded bad, Hank."

"They still on the scene?"

Antonio nodded.

"Alright, I'm going there. Keep an eye on things here, would ya?"

* * *

The drive was short, logically Voight knew that, but it felt a lot longer than it should have. When Antonio had told him Jay was found on the North Avenue bridge, he'd assumed the worst. The kid had been put through hell the past few weeks, and things seemed to be piling up. First Mouse leaving, then the whole thing with Abby and the strain it put on his relationship with Erin, then Erin leaving. Those alone would've been enough to break a man, but adding to that shooting a child and Louise dying?

The kid needed a break, and Voight kicked himself for not seeing that. He should've known better. He should've told him to take some time off, sort himself out, talk to someone. Instead, he'd brushed off the warning signs; the dark bags under Jay's eyes, him coming in early and leaving late, the distraction. He should've said something to Jay about it sooner.

When he got to the scene, there were two squad cars, an ambulance and about a dozen or so people looking on. Two policemen were trying to keep them away as much as possible, but it wasn't working all that well for some. The other two were standing by the ambulance. He got out of the car, and headed For the only female officer there, the one Antonio had spoken to.

"Detective Hank Voight?" She asked before he had the chance to introduce himself. "Antonio told me to expect you," she explained before he got the chance to ask how she knew him.

"Officer Cruise."

She extended a hand, and he took it, shaking it firmly, before dropping it. She spun around and walked toward the ambulance. "Your boy is being looked at by the EMTs."

"Hey, hang on," he stopped her. He wanted the details, he did. But they were getting to where Jay was sitting, and Hank knew he wouldn't appreciate being talked about like he wasn't there. He also knew that extracting any information from Jay would be like pulling teeth.

Officer Cruise frowned. "Is something the matter?"

"Tell me what happened, officer."

"Well, according to witnesses, the guy, David Rogers, was standing on the banister, clearly intending to jump. He was sobbing, and Detective Halstead was trying to calm him down, to get him off the ledge. It seemed to be working, but Halstead must have said something to set the guy off again, because he jumped."

"Antonio said the guy was alive." And if he wasn't, then god help them. Because knowing Jay, he would be shouldering the blame for this death too.

"He is. The Detective saved him. Some people caught it on camera. I'm sure it'll be on the news in a few hours."

The officer checked her notepad, then looked up at him again. "When he got him to safety, the guy started screaming at Halstead for saving him, then he punched him." She stopped, hesitant.

"What's on your mind, officer?"

She took a deep breath. "I saw the video one of the bystanders took. Detective Halsted just let him do it. I'm not saying he should've beat the guy. Just- He should've at least tried to stop him."

He didn't comment on what she said, merely nodded in thanks and headed for Jay. He was sitting in the back of an ambulance, hunched over with a blanket on his shoulder. He was staring at his shoes, and Hank was sure Jay wasn't all there right now.

"Hey, Jay." He forced his voice to be low and soft, not wanting to startle him. It mostly worked, seeing as Jay only flinched a little.

"Sarge," he said in surprise, "what are you doing here?"

"What do you think I'm doin' here, Jay?"

Jay said nothing. He kept staring at Voight like he couldn't believe he'd come. It bothered him more than he was willing to admit.

"What happened, kid?"

"Can we not talk about it? Please. From the looks of things, it's going to end up on the news anyway. You'll find out about it soon enough." Though his voice was low, exhausted, he still managed to sound bitter about it.

"Okay. You need a ride home?"

Jay's eyes searched his face for something, and then he nodded. "That'd be great. Thanks, Sarge."

"Anytime, Kid."

* * *

In the car, Jay was sat rigidly. And Hank didn't know if that was because he was expecting an interrogation, or because of an injury.

"You sure I shouldn't drop you off the hospital?"

"I'm fine."

Voight sighed. "How about you come to mine? I've got beer."

When he chanced a look at him, Jay was looking at him like he'd grown two heads.

"I'll be fine on my own, Sarge."

"You sure about that?"

"Yeah, actually, I am," he snapped. "Been doing it for most of my life."

He looked at him again, and saw Jay looking out the window, his hand, balled into a fist, pressed into his mouth. The kid was definitely not fine, Voight knew that, but he also knew that pushing him wouldn't do either of them any good. He reminded Hank of Erin, in that regard.

The rest of the car ride was silent.

When he parked the car in front of his building, Jay wasted no time in getting out.

"Hey, kid," he called out. Jay turned around. "Take care of yourself, alright?"

Jay nodded. "Thanks, Sarge."

* * *

Voight went back to the scene. He wanted to take a look at the video, and to make sure Jay really did not need a hospital. The EMTs probably wouldn't still be there, but he hope they would be.

Officer Cruise looked surprised to see him again, but only for a few seconds. She let him have a look at the EMTs report, and though it was worse than Jay made it seem to be, it wasn't actually all that also sent him the video. He thanked her, then walked the short distance back to his car, got in and played the video. It was shaky, and from the looks of it, it wasn't taken from the beginning. At least the sound was clear.

"She left me! Ten years of my life I spent loving her, and she just left me."

"Come on, man, just come down, okay? It's not worth it, believe me."

"Not worth it? She was my life. I'm nothing without her."

"I know it feels that way now, but trust me, it's not true."

"Yes it is. It was nothing to her. And I'm nothing too."

The guy's tone was final, and Jay must have picked up on it, because at the exact moment the man jumped, Jay lunged after him. Voight didn't know how he manged to move so fast, but he did, and ge caught him.

There was some screaming from the crowd, and Hank lowered the volume. Jay and the man disappear from view as the woman taking the video changed position, probably walking closer. When the camera was back on them, Jay had already pulled the guy up.

He was struggling against him, but Jay held him tightly. He managed to escape and punched Jay. Once, twice, three times. And Jay took it. Like Cruise said, he didn't fight back, didn't lift a finger to stop the next few hits. He hit the ground hard, and Voight winced. Probably why the EMTs suspected a concussion. He wouldn't let me take him to the hospital, but the EMTs patched him up. I just wanted to give you a heads up."

"Oh, thank god." 'Don't thank him, yet,' Voight thought. "And he's alright?"

"Yeah." He hesitated, and Will must have heard it in his voice.

"Voight? Everything okay?"

"Yeah, Kid, just… take care of your brother, will you?"

Will was silent for a moment, then, "I will."

"Alright." And with that, Voight hung up.

It was out of his hands now. He'd done all he could. He just hope it was enough.

* * *

 **Hey all! Thank you for reading, and I hope you enjoyed! I put this up so fast to make up for how short the previous chapter was!**

 **A big thank you to everyone who takes the time to review (Thank you to the three guests) , follow or favorite my story. you have no idea how much it means to me!**


	5. Be Still

_Be still and know that I'm with you_  
 _Be still and know that I am here_  
 _Be still and know that I'm with you_  
 _Be still, be still, and know_

 _\- Be Still by The Fray_

* * *

"Will." Voight's voice stopped Will dead in his tracks. The icy fingers of fear curled around his heart, and he resisted the childish urge to hang up the phone. Because he knew what this call was about.

Jay was hurt. Why else would Hank Voight be calling Will himself?

"Will? You there?"

"Tell me he's not dead," he pleaded with him, trying, and failing, to keep his voice from breaking.

"He's alive, kid. It's nothing bad, just a few bruises, maybe some sore ribs, and probably a concussion. He wouldn't let me take him to the hospital, but the EMTs patched him up. I just wanted to give you a heads up."

"Oh, thank god." He leaned against a wall, closing his eyes as a wave of staggering relief hit him like a truck. "And he's alright?"

"Yeah." It sounded like Voight wanted to say something else, so Will waited. There was a sound on the on the other end, like Voight had opened his mouth to say something, but he hesitated, which was so unlike him, it was laughable.

"Voight? Everything okay?"

"Yeah, Kid, just... take care of your brother, will you?"

Will was stunned into silence, because something in the Sargent's voice told him he was talking about more than Jay's injuries today. "I will," he promised.

"Alright." And with that, Voight hung up.

Will was going out of his mind. He'd tried calling his brother more than twenty times after Voight called him, and they all went to voicemail. And the minute his shift had ended, he'd left the hospital at break neck speed to look for his younger brother. That was an hour ago. Jay was nowhere to be found. Will had looked everywhere. Jay's apartment, Molly's, a couple of other bars in the area, even the district.

It tore him up inside, not knowing where Jay was. The scenarios playing out in his mind were all terrifying, and he tried to block those thoughts out, tried to focus on the here and now.

His brother needed him, Will knew that much. He'd noticed a change in Jay, ever since he'd shot the nine year old girl a couple weeks ago. Will knew that a part of Jay died when that little girl did, and it would've been enough to drag up some bad memories, but add that to Erin leaving and what happened to Louise? It was a recipe for disaster and Will should've been there for him, should have noticed more.

He'd done what he had promised himself not to do, years ago. He'd let Jay deal with his Issues on his own, hadn't been there for him.

Will slammed his hand on the steering wheel, the pain grounding him. "Damn it, Jay, where are you?"

Will took a deep breath and grabbed his phone, dialing Voight's number. It went to voicemail.

"Voight, I need your help. I can't find Jay and he won't answer his phone, so please, please just pick up. I'm going to keep driving around, and I'll check the hospitals and the clinics again. Call me as soon as you can."

He called the hospitals and clinics, and there was still no sign of Jay. He took a deep breath, started the car, and, true to his word, kept driving. He stopped at every alley, probably looking suspicious, and checked for his brother. Fifteen minutes later, his phone chimed and he lunged for it. The car swerved a bit, and Will cursed. He wasted no time in parking his car. He unlocked his phone and blew out a breath of relief.

He's at your apartment, the text from Voight said.

Thank you.

He started the car and headed for his apartment, the relief that hit him so staggering that Will actually felt a bit lightheaded.

...

When he got to his apartment building, Will took the stairs, too impatient to wait for the elevator.

The first thing he saw when he got to his floor was Jay, sitting with his back to the door, his head leaning against it. His eyes were closed, and his chest was moving. Will took him in, and tried to even out his breathing.

"Jay," he called out softly, walking towards him. He made sure to make as much noise as he could, not wanting to startle his brother.

Jay opened his eyes, and Will, selfishly, wanted to run away. Because he didn't know what he was supposed to do when he was met with eyes that were filled with so much pain. Jay had always been steady, a rock, and when he wasn't, he'd always made sure to hide it from everyone around him. To see him like this, bruised, broken and so unbelievably desperate was unnatural. And it scared Will to the bones.

Will smiled at his little brother and crouched in front of him. "Hey, pal, let's get you inside, huh? Come on," Will said as he reached out a hand for Jay to take.

Jay took a tight hold of his hand, and Will managed to pull them both up. Once he was upright, Jay swayed dangerously and Will barely caught him in time before he face planted. "I've got you, Jay. I've got you."

He got the door unlocked with some difficulty, and managed to more or less drag Jay inside. He briefly contemplated putting Jay on the couch, but quickly dismissed that idea. Jay needed rest, somewhere comfortable, so Will took him to the bedroom and deposited him gently on the bed. He quickly ran out of the room to lock the front door, then went back to his room. His heart broke at the sight of Jay, curled up on his bed, shaking. Will climbed into the bed with his brother, and put a hand on his brother's shoulder. "Talk to me, Jay," he urged softly, his hand moving from Jay's shoulder to his hair.

His brother seemed to curl up tighter around himself, his whole body shuddering. "I can't."

His breathing was too fast, and Will really needed to do something about it before Jay passed out. "Hey, Jay... Jay, I need you to take a deep breath, pal. Do it with me." He demonstrated by taking a deep breath and blowing it out slowly. It didn't work the first few times, so he took Jay's hand and placed it on his chest. "Come on, brother, breathe with me."

They stayed like that for a good five minutes, just breathing, before Jay broke the silence.

"I'm sorry," he whispered hoarsely, his eyes, red and watery and miserable locked onto Will's. It brought back memories of a six year old Jay, climbing into his bed after a nightmare.

Will shook his head, smiling sadly. "Why are you sorry?"

Jay squeezed his eyes shut and stayed silent. Will was at a loss. He didn't know how to deal with this version of Jay. He didn't know how to make it better. "Please talk to me, Jay. Please. It's eating you up inside, and I can't watch it happen anymore, buddy." By that point, Jay's shoulders were shaking, but his lips were still stubbornly pressed together. "You came here for a reason. What is it?"

"Where else would I go? I've got nobody left."

The defeat, the resignation in Jay's voice, was like a stab to the heart. Will wished he could take it away, wished he could shield Jay from all the hurts life was throwing at him left and right. "Talk to me."

Jay turned his head and stared at the ceiling. "Do you ever wish it would all stop?" He asked softly. Will's heart skipped several beats.

"What are you talking about?"

"The deaths and the pain and the constant need to fight for every fucking breath."

Will couldn't get a word out. He felt so overwhelmed, so out of his depth, that he had to force himself not to run away. He scrambled for an answer, but apparently, he wasn't fast enough.

"I'm so tired, Will. I feel like I'm drowning, and even though I'm fighting it, I just want to let the water in," Jay's voice broke at that last word, and with it, so did the dam that had trapped the tears that should've been shed days, weeks, ago.

Will sat up, and dragged Jay with him. He tucked his brother's head under his chin, and locked his arms around him, holding him a bit too tightly. At first, there were only silent tears that Will felt rather than saw, but a second or two later, Jay let out a sob, the sound raw and ragged and so, so pained. Will, if possible, tightened his hold even more, one hand going to Jay's neck and the other rubbing his back.

"It's okay. It's gonna be okay, I promise you. I'm gonna help you through this, this time. It's you and me, little brother, always. I'm here, I'll always be here," he kept repeating this, over and over, until Jay's tears stopped, until he pushed away from Will and looked him in the eye.

"Thank you."

"What are you thanking me for, huh? I'm your big brother, it's my job to be here for you."

Jay shrugged. "Still."

Will shook his head. "I know I wasn't there for you when you needed me, more than once, but I promise you, this time will be different. This time, I'll be with you every step of the way, you hear me?"

"Will-"

"I mean it, Jay."

Jay nodded, a half smile playing at his lips. "Alright."

"Come here," Will said as he dragged his brother into another hug. Jay's arms wrapped around his back tightly and Will smiled. "I love you," Will said, smacking a kiss on Jay's cheek, hoping to coax a laugh out of him. He was rewarded with a chuckle and a hand to the face, and he couldn't have been more happy.

"Get some rest, buddy."

Jay nodded and pushed himself off the bed.

"Where do you think you're going?"

"The couch?" He asked with confused frown.

Will rolled his eyes and sat up, too. "You're gonna sleep on the bed, idiot. I'm gonna get you a change of clothes. Stay here."

"Aren't we a little too old for a sleepover, Will?" His brother said, a hint of teasing seeping into his tone.

"Never."

Will turned around, intended on going to the kitchen for a glass of water, but Jay's soft "Will" stopped him.

"Yeah?"

"Thanks, man. I mean it."

"Shut up. And I'm gonna check out those injuries of yours after you change." He held up a hand when Jay opened his mouth, more than likely to form a protest. "Non negotiable."

"Fine."

"Great! Now go change, maybe take a shower, too, cause you stink." He ran out of the room just a pillow came flying at his head.

Will chuckled, pleased that he had managed to help his brother, even if it was temporary. He knew that nothing was fixed, knew that things were probably going to get a lot worse before they got better, but he also knew that his brother was strong enough to handle anything thrown at him.

His doorbell rang, and he frowned, not expecting any visitors at this late hour.

He opened the door, and almost instantly tried to shut it again. Her foot stopped it from shutting all the way, though, and so he opened it reluctantly.

"Hi, Will," she sounded weary and hopeful at the same time, and he hated her just a little bit.

"Erin."

* * *

 **Big Thank you to Bluejay141519, NewYorkChicago22061940,Mariedonovan,Brenda Burn, SoFeelingTheLove, Sara2210, and the four guests for taking the time to review! Your words mean the world to me!**

 **The next, and most likely Final, chapter might take a little while, because I have finals, but I promise it'll be up in about a week or two! **  
****

 **I hope you guys are enjoying it! let me know what you think in a review!**


	6. I Want You

Chapter 6: I Want You

 _I want you_

 _Yeah I want you_

 _And nothing comes close_

 _To the way that I need you_

 _I wish I can feel your skin_

 _And I want you_

 _From somewhere within_

* * *

"Erin?"

"Will," she says, a little breathless. Erin realized, too late, that she wasn't prepared for this conversation. Because just by looking at him, she could tell he was angry. A small, but loud, part of her wondered how exactly she was going to manage to talk to Jay, if the thought of talking to his brother scared her shitless.

There were many things Erin wanted to say, but she only managed a weak, "hi."

He stared at her for a few seconds, shock and maybe a hint of anger on his face. "What are you doing here, Erin?"

"You're not gonna invite me in, Will?" The words were soft, teasing, and she hoped to God they softened his anger just a little bit.

From the look on his face, they didn't. In fact, her words seemed to do the exact opposite.

"No, actually, I'm not. You shouldn't even be here, Erin, so why the hell are you?!"

Erin instinctively flinched away from him when he raised his voice, her arms wrapped protectively around her waist, and instantly cursed herself for her reaction.

Will's face softened, but his resolve didn't. He kept his body in the doorway, a hint that she wasn't welcome to come in. It hurt, she wasn't going to lie, but she understood where he was coming from. He was just protecting his brother. And that Will felt like Jay, the only man she's ever loved so completely and openly, needed protection from her, was like a knife to the chest.

"I'm sorry, Erin, I am, but I can't let you see him right now. He's been through a lot, and you being here will only add to the pretty long list of shit he has to deal with, and he doesn't need that." He finished with a helpless shrug and for a second, she smiled, because she was glad Jay had Will in his corner. And the fact that Jay had _come_ to Will? That made her more happy than anything, because that meant Jay was opening up to someone (she ignored the selfish part of her that whispered _it should've been me_ ).

She didn't ask about what Will meant by Jay going through a lot, mainly because she knew he wouldn't tell her. But she was worried. A lot. "Is he okay?"

The concern in her voice softened his face even more, the anger melting away into something like sadness, or maybe weariness. "Not right now, no. But I think, I _hope_ , he will be."

She nodded. "Will you tell him I was here? That I want to see him?"

He shook his head and the desperation that overtook her body in that moment was almost too much for her to bear. She clamped her mouth shut and forced down the pleas that were attempting to claw their way out of her. If she was going to leave here empty handed, she'd at least like to maintain her pride, at least where Will was concerned.

"Okay." She took a deep breath, and hugged herself tighter. "Okay."

He pursed his lips. "I'm sorry, Erin," he said softly.

She shook her head slightly. "It's okay. And don't ever apologize for looking after him. I'm glad he had someone when he needed it."

"Are you back for good? Because if not, Erin, then please don't tell him. Just-"

"I'm not going anywhere this time, Will."

There was no part of her that wasn't completely sure of this. She would fight for this, for them, for however long it took.

"Are you sure about that?" It sounded more like a challenge than a question.

She made sure to look him in the eye as she said, with all the conviction she could manage, "I am."

He grinned. "Good. Fix it."

She smiled back at him, though hers was a bit sad, she suspected. "You think I can?"

"I"m not sure, but knowing you, and knowing Jay, I think you've got a solid chance," he assured her. "Not that it'll be easy," he added.

"I hope you're right, Will."

"Me too."

She took a deep breath, let it out slowly and lifted her hand, managing a half-hearted wave in his direction as she said, in a small voice, "bye, Will."

"See ya, Erin."

That gave her a bit of hope.

* * *

Her next destination was Hank's house, and she's excited to see him. For the first couple of weeks in New York, a part of Erin (the part that physically ached with how much she missed Jay, even though they hadn't been together when she left), had resented Hank for basically sending her away. She knew, logically, that what he had done was for her own good, that he'd given her an important opportunity. He'd offered her a way out. But that hadn't stopped the rage she felt, and though it took her a while, she figured out that the resentment wasn't directed at Hank, it was directed at herself.

Because she could've handled it better, she could've talked to Jay, said goodbye, before leaving.

She hadn't planned on coming back to Chicago. Not because she didn't want to, but because she thought Jay would never forgive her, and he was the biggest reason she would have contemplated coming back.

But life, as always, threw a curve ball her way, and Erin had done what she had to, to come back.

When he opened the door, Hank looked shocked, like he'd seen a ghost. "Erin? How- what are you doing here?"

"Hi, Hank," she attempted to smile, but from the sadness on his face, and the wobbliness of her voice, she could tell she hadn't been successful.

"Come on in, kid."

He put an arm around her shoulders, pulling her into his side as they entered the house and headed for the couch in the living room.

"How are you here, kid?"

Erin shrugged. "I didn't want to be there anymore, Hank." She wanted to say more, and he clearly needed more from her, but she wasn't ready to come out and say all that had led her back to Chicago.

He looked at her, disbelief written all over his face. "That's all you're giving me?"

"I hated it, Hank. Being there? It was hell for me. Leaving you, Jay, the unit... It hurt like hell." She took a deep breath, tried to even out her breathing. "I tried so hard to just roll with it, you know? Tried to convince myself that it was a new start for me, but all I could think about was him, and how I left things."

She startled when she felt his hand on her cheek, wiping tears she wasn't aware were running down her eyes. "I get it, kid, believe me. But that's not the only reason you're here, is it?"

She swallowed thickly. "Hank-"

"I won't push you to tell me, but I know you, Erin. You wouldn't have come back just because you missed Jay."

His words cut deep. Their meaning, that Erin didn't care about Jay enough to come back for him made her blood boil. "So now you don't think I love him enough to come back for him?" She snapped at him.

To her surprise, he smiled at her gently. "I know you do. I know you would die for him, and live for him, I know he's it for you, that's never been something I doubted. But, Erin, you let pride rule every single thing that you do. You always need a little nudge to go after what you want."

He was right, she knew that, and she hated it. But what had stopped her from coming back wasn't pride; it was fear. Fear of what might happen to Bunny, what would happen to her career, if she quit the New York job. And what had brought her back was more than a little nudge.

She was startled out of her thoughts by Hank calling her name. "You okay, Erin?"

"Not really," she said, smiling sadly.

"Talk to me, kid, what's going on with you? Are you in trouble?" At the clear concern in his words, her smile turned fond.

"I'm not in trouble, Hank," she assured him. She saw his shoulders relax and she felt guilty for worrying him so much.

They sat in silence for a few minutes, and she relished this feeling of comfort. Just being here, with Hank, made breathing a little more easier, the crushing weight of loneliness gone.

She took a deep breath. "Three weeks ago I told Agent Spencer that I decided to quit. She didn't like it, and it took a lot to convince her to let me go, but she did, eventually."

"But?"

"But on one condition, I can never be a cop again."

"You're not upset about that, are you?" Though it was phrased as a question, it sounded a lot more like a statement. She was surprised that he was this calm about this, expected him to fight it.

"Not really, no," she said hesitantly. "It's not that I don't love being a cop, Hank. It's a big part of who I am. It's just that, it's not what it used to be, for me. It's sort of tainted now. And after everything that happened? I don't think I have a place in the unit anymore."

"I get it, kid," he told her softly. But she could tell that there was something he wasn't saying. "But you're not telling me everything."

"No, I'm not," she admitted. Her eyes cast downward, she focused on her clasped hands, not knowing whether or not telling Hank would be a mistake.

"Okay, you don't have to tell me, but you know you can, right?"

"Huh."

"What?"

"You've mellowed out, old man," she said with a chuckle.

He laughed. "Not sure a lot of people would agree with that."

She stared at him, and it struck her, in that moment, that he was the only one in her corner right now. She didn't have a lot of close friends she could talk to, and Jay was out of the question right now. She took a deep breath, braced herself for his reaction, and blurted it out.

"I'm pregnant."

Surprise and a mix of both happiness and sadness took over his features, but he said nothing. Erin thought he was probably trying to process the information. Erin herself still hadn't, and she'd had close to ten weeks to come to terms with the fact that there was a baby growing inside of her. Her baby, and Jay's. It was terrifying, but a part of her was happy, excited even.

"How far along are you?" Hank's voice was soft, and so fond that she almost cried.

"Fifteen weeks."

He blinked in surprise. "Fifteen? Kid, that's- Why did it take you so long to come back?" The question wasn't an accusation, she knew that. But it still irritated her. And she wasn't sure if she'd be able to look into his eyes if she answered honestly. "You weren't planning on coming back." Hank really wasn't pulling any punches tonight.

She swallowed thickly. "I wasn't sure I should. Hell, I wasn't sure I _could_ come back after everything."

"And? What changed?"

She'd thought about raising a kid alone, and it had scared her. Not because she thought she wouldn't be able to do it, but because neither of them would have a support system. This baby, her baby wouldn't know its father, and Jay wouldn't know his kid. And that possibility was so unacceptable to her that it outweighed her fear of the fact that Jay might reject her, might not want anything to do with her.

Hank was still looking at her, still waiting for an answer. She wasn't sure she could put all of her thoughts into words, so she chose the simplest, and the most obvious answer.

"I don't want my kid to grow up like I did. I want him or her to have a family. And that's me and Jay. You, Hank. The unit."

Hank nodded, but didn't say anything, so she took it as a sign to continue. "You know, I accepted the Job for two reasons. The first was because I knew I could never be a cop here, and the other was because I wanted to protect Bunny. But when I found out I was pregnant? None of that mattered, Hank."

He smiled at her, and pulled her into a hug. "I'm so proud of you, kid. You- you're gonna be a great mom. Camille would be so proud of you," he cleared his throat, and she knew, without having to look at his face that he was holding back tears. She buried her face in his chest, and smiled.

"You think so?" The words were muffled, but he must have understood, because she felt him nod, his chin against her head.

"I know so."

She pulled back. "Thank you."

"Welcome home, kiddo"

She chuckled. "I love you. I don't say it enough, but I love you, Hank."

"You too, kid," he said gruffly, pulling her into another hug. She sank into it, and she realized that tonight was the first time she'd been hugged in over two months. So she allowed herself to bask in the comfort Hank's arms provided. In that moment, she knew she'd made the right choice. Because she was happy, and safe and when her baby came into the world, he or she would be, too.

* * *

It took her two days to leave Hank's house, mainly because she was afraid she would run into Jay. She was not ready for that. She'd been so impulsive that night, going to Will's without a plan.

She still wasn't sure how to tell him, how to _talk_ to him, after the way they'd left things. She knew one thing, though. She wanted him back, and she would fight for him. And she hoped he wanted her back, too. Her biggest fear right now was the very real possibility that Jay hated her. There were a lot of ways this could turn out wrong, and she'd been thinking about it for so long that she was driving herself crazy.

Apparently, she'd been driving Hank crazy, too, because he all but threw her phone and purse at her and demanded that she go out.

"Where would I go?" She argued.

"I don't know, kid. Just go out, maybe you can call Kim?"

It wasn't a bad idea, really. She'd missed Kim. Erin didn't have many friends, but Kim had been the closest thing to a best friend Erin had.

"That's not a bad idea," she told Hank. "But I can't believe you're kicking me out."

He made a shooing motion with his hands and went to the kitchen. She smiled, grabbed her jacket and snatched Hank's keys from the bowl next to the door.

"I'm taking your car," she shouted on her way out, not waiting for Hank's answer.

...

Sitting in Molly's after being gone for two months was a bit surreal. She'd gotten about a dozen enthusiastic greetings, Herrmann had even told her that all her drinks tonight would be on the house. She didn't have the heart to refuse his offer, so she just thanked him and ordered a beer. She settled in on a the table farthest from the door, her back to the door. Thankfully, no members of the unit were present.

Truthfully, she hadn't wanted to meet at Molly's, but Kim had been so happy that she was back, and Erin had been too distracted by that to think about what her being here, being seen by a lot of people that knew her and Jay would mean. She knew now that she had to go to him herself, before someone beat her to it.

Things, as always, didn't go to plan.

Erin heard the bell chime, signalling the bar door opening, and turned. She expected to see Kim, but instead she saw Jay. The breath whoosshed out of her, and she struggled to form any coherent thoughts. She eagerly took him in, and god, he was beautiful. He hadn't noticed her yet, which allowed her to watch him more closely. He was with Will and Natalie, smiling at them both as they laughed at something. The sight made her happy, though upon a closer look, she could see that he'd lost some weight and that his shoulders were hunched in. He looked tired, and Erin ached with the desire to talk to him, to see for herself how he was doing.

She turned her back to the table he was at and willed herself to think. She pushed the panic aside and tried to come up with the best course of action. She couldn't go up to him, because she didn't want to make things difficult. And if she was honest, she wanted to keep her dignity intact, and that wouldn't be the case if he rejected her in front of all the occupants of Molly's. So it'd be best if she just waited for him to leave and then, she'd either go after him, or go back to Hank's and act like nothing happened. She calmed down considerably once she had a plan, and just then she felt a hand on her shoulder.

"Erin!" Kim said enthusiastically, _loudly_. Erin resisted the urge to shush her and instead stood up and returned the hug Kim pulled her into. Her eyes found Jay, and she was stunned to see that he was looking at her too. He was too far for her to see his expression clearly, but from the way he abruptly stood up and practically ran to the door, she could tell he wasn't all that happy about seeing her.

She pulled away from the hug, and Kim looked at her with concern. "Erin?-"

"Jay!" Will's voice drew a lot of attention, Erin and Kim's included.

Erin was overwhelmed with the need to go after him, and so she looked back to Kim, intending to tell her she was leaving and was met with a soft, encouraging smile.

"Go after him," she told her, reaching around Erin to push her purse into her hands and pushing her in the direction of the door.

Erin didn't waste another second and ran for the door. She wondered if she'd be able to find him with the headstart he'd had, but she was surprised to find him only a few feet away. She broke out into a run, and only stopped when there was a foot of space between them.

"Jay," she called out softly, her heart pounding loudly in her ears.

He either didn't hear her or ignored her, because he kept walking.

"Jay, come on, just hear me out," she pleaded. He continued to walk, though he seemed to curl in on himself, his shoulders hunched and his head down.

Erin ran ahead of Jay and stopped in front of him. He tried to dodge her but she stepped in front of him again.

"Jay, please hear me out."

"No," his face was void of any expression, but his voice broke on that one word.

"Jay," he raised his face skyward, and she almost missed the tear that ran down his cheek. "Jay, I'm so sorry."

"Don't, Erin. Just- Don't, please." He looked anywhere but at her. Erin wanted to hold his face in her hands, to kiss his tears away, but she reminded herself that that wasn't her place anymore.

"Jay, please, we need to talk. Just let me explain."

"No." The words sounded final, and they were like a punch to the gut. She wrapped her arms around her waist, and felt the small baby bump there, and the reminder of what was at stake here renewed her determination.

Jay's actions spoke louder than his words, because he was still standing there, facing her and when he finally, finally looked at her, it took her breath away. There was hurt in the depths of his eyes, but there was also love. He was looking at her now like he looked at her before, like the separation didn't change the way he felt about her. His eyes drank her in, and she opened herself up to him. She hoped he could see how sorry she was for leaving without an explanation, without saying goodbye. She hoped all the love she had for him was as obvious to him as his was to her.

"I'm sorry-"

"Stop saying that," he snapped at her, and suddenly, her Jay was gone. There was no trace of emotion in his voice or his eyes. He turned around and walked away, this time faster than before. She had to run a little to catch up to him, and she worried for a second if that might hurt the baby. She dismissed the thought right away, knowing the worry was irrational. She caught up to him again, and this time she held on to his arm. He yanked it away from her grip and glared at her.

"I don't want to do this, Erin." There was a warning in his words, but she dismissed it. He wouldn't hurt her physically and she was prepared to let whatever hurtful words he said to her slide. Nothing would stop her from getting through to him.

"Do what, Jay? Talk to me? Because that's all I want. I just want to talk, to explain why I left. Please."

He shook his head. "I don't think you can, Erin." He shook his head sadly and she swallowed thickly.

"Jay-"

"You left me. You didn't say goodbye, you just left. Voight wouldn't-" he cut himself off, staring at her accusingly. "I needed you, Erin. These past few weeks have been hell, and you weren't here and I needed you so much."

She felt tears running down her cheeks, but didn't wipe them away, too focused on Jay to do much of anything. "I'm sorry," she repeated uselessly.

"Stop apologizing, Erin."

"Why?" She snapped.

"Because if you keep apologizing, I'm gonna forgive you, and I don't want to do that," he sounded so lost, so empty. Erin was stunned. Because she'd never seen this version of Jay. She'd never seen him so broken.

"I'm not asking you to forgive, not yet. I'm just asking you to listen to me, Jay."

"Why should I? All we do is hurt each other, Erin, you know that."

That made her angry. "That's not true, you don't believe that," she said with all the conviction she could muster.

"How many times do you have to break my heart for you to understand that we're not good for each other?"

She flinched, his words cutting deeper that she anticipated. "You- that is not fair, Jay."

"None of this is fair, Erin. You, coming back now, when I'm starting to come to terms with you leaving, is not fair."

"So, that's it? There's no chance for us?" Her heart broke as she asked him this, but she needed to know where he stood when it came to her, because the next conversation will not not be about them, it'll be about their child. And if he said he didn't want anything to do with her, that he didn't see them getting past this, then that's it for them. Because she wouldn't be able to handle the what ifs, would always wonder if a part of him was with her, not because he wanted to be, but because he felt obligated.

He laughed suddenly, and it broke her out of her thoughts. He sounded hysterical and she was honestly concerned. "Do you have any idea what you do to me?"

His words surprised her, so much that she actually spluttered. What was that supposed to mean?

"I want to say yes, I want to say that we're done, but I can't, Erin."

She smiled at him, hopeful and excited. "Does that mean-"

"Let me finish, Erin."

She was silent again, and her smile dimmed but listened to him.

"I need to get my shit together before we- You leaving, that hurt like a son of a bitch. And with everything that happened after? I'm not okay right now, I'm not in the right head space. And honestly, I don't think I can trust you not to leave again."

They stared at each other for a few seconds, both unsure of what would happen next. Erin hadn't known what to expect from this conversation, but this wasn't what she imagined. She knew she wanted to be with Jay more than anything, but maybe he couldn't say the same, at least not yet. And she couldn't blame him, because in the course of their relationship, she'd always been the one to leave, and he'd been the one to chase after her. Sure, when they broke up, he'd been the one to leave, but he hadn't disappeared, and before she'd left, he'd been dropping hints about them getting back together. That truth was a bitter pill to swallow.

"I love you, Jay. I'm always going to. I'm not giving up on us, okay? I want you and I want us, and this time I'm staying. I need you to know that, and I need you remember that, okay?" Saying the words was a relief, and she hoped he believed her.

Jay was blinking rapidly, refusing to look at her, and she could tell he was holding back tears.

She moved forward slowly, holding his face in her hands, gently coaxing him into meeting her eyes with his. This, being close to him, looking into those eyes she'd missed, it felt like coming home. "Okay?" She repeated.

He nodded shakily, pursing his lips.

She wanted to leave it at that, she did, but she knew she couldn't leave everything in the air. She wasn't going to tell him about the pregnancy now, not when looked like a breeze would knock him down. But she did need to tell him soon, because it wasn't fair for him to be in the dark any more than he had to.

She sucked in a breath, and lowered her hands from his face, immediately missing the feeling of his skin on hers.

"I'm sorry I wasn't here for you, and I'm sorry that I hurt you so much. I know you can't trust me right now, and I don't blame you. But there's something I need to talk to you about, and it can't wait, okay?"

He looked at her warily, and after a few seconds he nodded shakily.

"Maybe we could get some coffee tomorrow?"

He shook his head. "Not tomorrow. I have an- a thing. How about the day after tomorrow?"

"Yeah, okay," she agreed eagerly. "Ten a.m. okay with you?"

He nodded. "I have the day off."

"Okay."

He looked at her like she was a dream, a hallucination, like she wasn't real. "Okay."

...,...

Erin spent the time leading up to their not-date practicing how to tell him the news. The internet didn't help, mainly because the ideas were for happy couples and they weren't there yet (thought she did buy the cute yellow onesies that had "Hi Daddy" printed on them in loopy font).

On the day she was supposed to meet Jay, Erin woke up at six a.m. and couldn't go back to sleep. She made breakfast, though she ate very little of it and laid down on the living room couch to watch some cartoons, just to pass the time. When it was 8:30 a.m., she dragged herself up to her bedroom and started getting ready. She'd already decided what she was going to wear, so she took her time undressing and dressing. She loved this black, long sleeved cashmere dress. It was flowy and it hid her bump perfectly, and most importantly, it was comfortable. Ever since the little bump showed up, her jeans had started becoming unconformable, and since she hadn't been able to go shopping yet, her flowy dresses, leggings and baggy sweaters had become her style.

She didn't put on much make up, but she did apply some nude lipstick and mascara. She combed her fingers through her hair, and took one last look at herself in the mirror before she climbed down the stairs.

Hank was waiting for her by the door, keys in his hands. She smiled at him, and he smiled back. Once she reached him, he put the keys in her hand and kissed her forehead. "It's gonna be okay, kid."

"I hope so. Thank you, Hank." She squeezed his hand gratefully and hugged him. "Love you," she mumbled.

"Love you too, kid. Now go get him."

She smiled. "Fingers crossed."

...,...

Erin sees Jay before he sees her. She takes a deep breath, then makes her way to their table, which was close to the floor-to-ceiling windows. She had to force herself to keep walking instead of stopping in her tracks to stare dumbly at him. He was looking out of the window, lost in thought. His elbows were resting on the table, hands clasped together tightly. He was wearing a dark blue, long sleeved shirt, his jacket on the back of his chair. And he was beautiful, so beautiful it took her breath away.

When she got to the table, she realized that Jay hadn't noticed her. She cleared her throat delicately, and his head snapped toward her. He made to get up, but she waved him away and sat in the chair opposite his.

"Hi," she said, her voice was raspy, but low. She smiled at him and he smiled back. His smile was polite, if a little artificial.

"Hey, Erin." When he said the words like that, clipped and a little robotic, She tried to keep the disappointment at bay, but she probably wasn't successful.

Erin wasn't naive enough to think that everything was magically fixed when they talked that night. But she had been hopeful. Jay seemed like he was facing a firing squad. Hell, maybe he'd rather be facing one than to be here with Erin.

That needed to change.

"How are you?"

"I'm alright."

"Yeah, you look it." Her words were teasing, gentle, but he didn't take them for what they were. Instead of easing the tension, they seemed to intensify it.

His smile was bitter. "Yeah, well, it's been a rough couple of months."

"I'm sorry," she whispered, looking down at her hands.

"Not your fault," he said stiffly. She smiled sadly and shook her head. Even when he was mad at her, he was still defending her.

"What?" He was a bit defensive and more than a little serious.

"Nothing," she said as she continued to smile at him. "You gotta admit, though, Jay. Some of it was my fault."

He said nothing, and that was answer enough. She honestly could not tell where they should go from here. She didn't know how to steer the conversation to her pregnancy.

Erin was, to put it simply, terrified of his reaction to the news. She was so goddamn scared that he wouldn't want this baby. In all the time they'd been together, kids were never discussed. She didn't know if Jay wanted kids, if he even liked them.

"How long are you here for?"

The question took her off guard. Did he really think she was going to leave again?

"Indefinitely." What she wanted to say, though, was 'as long as you'll have me'.

He raised an eyebrow. "What about your job? I mean, I know next to nothing about it, but I do know you got a job in New York, Voight told me as much."

"I quit." She watched him closely for his reaction, and she would have laughed at his expression, wide eyes and mouth hung open, if she wasn't so damn scared of what she was going to tell him, as soon as she found an opening.

"Why?"

And there it was. Her opening, staring her right in the face. She didn't take it. She couldn't get her mouth to open, and when she did, the words wouldn't come out. To her horror, her eyes stung with the burn of tears, and a few fell down her cheeks. She wiped them away hastily, knowing that he hated seeing her cry.

"Erin? Are you okay?" His left hand came to rest against her clasped hands, gentle and hesitant, and that only made her cry harder. She decided to blame the crying on the pregnancy hormones.

"Erin, you're scaring me. Why are you crying?"

She wanted to answer, but she couldn't, so she didn't. His hand left hers, and for a second, she thought he was going to leave. But then, she heard the sound of a chair scraping against the floor, and a few seconds later, she felt his arms wrapped around her. It was a bit awkward, her side pressed into his and her face tucked into the space between his shoulder and neck, but it also felt like home. He felt like home.

"Hey, why are you crying, ?" Jay murmured, his tone so different from the one he'd used with her up until now. She felt guilty, like she was manipulating him, even though she knew it was ridiculous. It wasn't like she'd planned on crying in the middle of their conversation.

"Jay, I'm pregnant." Saying the words, out loud, to him, felt like a huge weight was lifted off her shoulders. It took a second, but then, his whole body froze. His hand stopped its soothing movement on her back, his muscles tensed, and Erin was pretty sure he'd stopped breathing.

She pulled away reluctantly, and he let her, his arms falling uselessly to his side. He was gaping at her, eyes so wide she was afraid they we're gonna pop out of his skull, then he opened his mouth, and he _stuttered_. She didn't think she'd ever seen him stutter before. "Jay? Did you hear me?" He couldn't not have, but she needed to say something.

He nodded once, then twice, then a third time, and when it seemed like he wasn't going to stop, she put a hand on his cheek, stilling his movements. "Say something?"

"I- it's..." He cleared his throat, took a deep breath and finally seemed to be capable of forming a sentence. "It's mine, right? You wouldn't be here if it weren't."

She nodded. "It's yours, Jay. The baby is yours."

"A baby," he whispered. There was awe in his voice, mixed with a little apprehensiveness.

Erin relaxed. He wasn't leaving, he wasn't angry at her, and he even seemed a little Happy. She understood his uneasiness, she did. This wasn't exactly the best time for a baby. They, both as individuals, and a unit, weren't exactly ready for a baby. She'd just uprooted her life, again, and she didn't have a house or an apartment. Jay seemed to be battling some pretty impressive demons, ones Erin knew nothing about. And as for their relationship, well, Erin wasn't sure if there was one. Sure, he hadn't completely written them off, but that didn't mean things would be fixed, that he'd be able to get past what she'd put him through.

"Yeah."

"How far along are you?"

"Fifteen weeks," she answered eagerly, beyond happy that he was still here, asking questions and being interested.

"Fifteen weeks? That's- that's a lot. When did you find out?"

Her blood turned cold and she looked at the table top, for the first time breaking eye contact. "A week after I got to New York."

He reeled back as if she'd slapped him. "A week? That's- that was eight weeks ago, Erin. You- you kept this, our baby, from me, for two months?"

"I'm sorry, but please just let me explain? Please, Jay," she pleaded, her hand grasping his tightly.

"I don't think you can, Erin."

' _This is it_ ', she thought numbly. But then she looked at him, and she could see in his eyes that he wanted her to fight him on this, to fight for them, so she did.

"I can. You might not think I had a good reason, but, Jay, I promise you, I did." He took his hand out of hers, but otherwise didn't move to get up, so she took it as a good sign.

"When I got the job offer in New York, I took it so that Bunny wouldn't be arrested. But, that wasn't the only reason. Jay, I was never gonna be a cop here after what I did, we both know that. And being a cop? That's what I'm good at. I had nothing else, back then."

"You had me," Jay whispered. He looked heartbroken, and there was nothing she wanted to do more than wrap him in her arms and apologize over and over again. "You've always had me, even when you thought you didn't."

She blinked back tears, and smiled sadly at him. "I should've known that, but I wasn't thinking straight, Jay. You have to understand that."

"So why didn't you say goodbye, then?" He asked accusingly.

"You think I would've been able to leave if I had done that? The closest I got to a goodbye was when I gave you the lead on that driver, and that nearly destroyed me."

Jay was shaking his head before she got the last word out. "I should've seen it."

"Jay, there was no way you could have. It was a shitty situation, and I didn't handle it the way I should've, but I did the best I could."

He wasn't convinced, she could tell, but he didn't say anything. He just looked at her, his eyes roamed her face, and slowly descend until they reached her stomach. His eyes softened, and he smiled softly. His eyes found their way back to her face, and the way he was looking at her changed. It was tender, and a but longing and Erin fought hard not to blush, but from the heat she could feel in her face, she hadn't succeeded.

"You look beautiful."

She laughed softly, shaking her head at him. "Thank you."

They were enveloped in another silence, but this time it was comfortable. He continued to look at her, and she kept alternating between looking at him and looking at her hands. His question, when it came, startled her.

"Eight weeks, Erin. Why didn't you tell me?"

She sighed. "I don't know. I kept going back and forth on it. I think I was scared that you wouldn't want to be with me anymore. I didn't know whether you'd want a baby or not. I guess I didn't want to force you into something you might not want." Laying it all out like that made her feel uncomfortably vulnerable, but it also felt good to be able to tell him how she felt. It was something she'd promised herself to do more often, if he agreed to give their relationship another chance.

"I don't know what to say to that, Erin. I get where you're coming from, I do. But, it still hurt. And I honestly don't know where to go from here."

Erin was exhausted. She wasn't used to talking things out like that, not really. They'd come close, but they were never this open with each other. It made her happy, of course, but it was also draining. She didn't know what to tell him, and try as she might, she couldn't get a clear read on him.

"Did you go to a doctor? Are you and the baby doing okay?"

The change in subject stunned her for a bit, but she welcomed the reprieve it gave her. "We're both okay. My last appointment was about three weeks ago, and the doc told me everything is good." He grinned at her, boyish and almost carefree, and she decided not to broach the subject of their relationship again, at least not today. Suddenly, an overwhelming desire to hear his laugh over took her, and she wracked her brain for something that would cause that reaction. It came to her a few seconds later, and she grinned widely.

"You know, according to Google, our baby is the size of an apple now. Next week she'll be an avocado."

He chuckled, then froze. "She? It's a girl? I thought it'd be too early to tell!"

"It is." She reassured him. "I just have a hunch."

He rolled his eyes. "You and your hunches. I bet it's a boy."

She narrowed her eyes at him. "You sure you wanna take that bet, Jay?"

"I am."

"Fine. Five, ten bucks?"

"Twenty."

"Alright. You got it."

They shook on it, then looked at each other for a minute, before they burst out laughing. Their laughter died down, and they sat in comfortable silence, taking each other in.

"There are a lot of things we need to talk about, Erin."

She nodded, then smiled at him. "I know. And we will."

"I'm willing to try if you are," he told her hesitantly, as if he was unsure if that was the right thing to say, as if after everything, he still wasn't sure she wanted to be with him. Stupid boy, didn't he know that he was one of the main reasons she'd come back? Didn't he know that he was the love of her life?

"You know that I am."

He nodded. "It's gonna take some time, you know. We'll have to take it slow, do it right this time."

"Jay, I'm all in," she assured him, and the smile that lit up his face was the most beautiful thing she'd ever laid eyes on.

"Okay." He took a deep breath, smiled at her and asked," Erin Lindsay, will you go on a date with me?"

She smiled giddily and nodded.

"Yes."

* * *

 _ **I'm very sorry for the long wait, but I've just been so busy and this chapter would not come out right. I really hope you guys enjoyed this!**_

 _ **A big big Thank you to lelema, Diana, daisy16081994, SoFeelingTheLove, Ghostwriter, Brenda Burn, catchmeinwonderland, Linsteadforever, Bluejay141519 and the Guests, for taking the time to review. Your words mean the world to me!**_

 _ **Next chapter will be from Jay's POV, and it'll deal with their issues both as individuals and a couple. and there will be a lot of (hopefully) cute scenes with their kid and other characters! I don't know when I'll be posting, but hopefully it won't won't take me another 2 months(?), lol.**_

 _ **Let me know how you guys liked this chapter.**_


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